Less than three

(In just less than three parts)

The Gap-

I play victim.

I am fake - I lie

I am the worst to take

Into your arms- into your team

Am I no part of your dream?

For my best was never

good enough to the class

that you bring. I am tough,

I know, but tender inside

like the crab legs you eat.

So let this be a confession

of all that is true, Let us not

forget my truth is a lie, is it?

A truth construed…?

From Ice Bars to Wet ones

Have I not come through?

Broke like a scandal,

I’ve done little for you...

I glorified peeps and the like

I felt it human- till I saw light

of my only angel- only real flight

in the arms of my beloved’s night.

I do what I ought to do,

it is no longer in my control.

Long ago, I sold my soul

to a figure of my imagination.

And though words are played

with and tinkered. These words

I speak forward are as pure as day.

So without further delay…

The Bond-

Two perfect strangers come together

Among three immortal gators and

a Christmas tree with no lights.

Brightest of nights in darkest times.

She is a living replica of Violent lee

Happier times as she wore a black and

Frailed coat. Standing patiently as wind

passed her by. In glance, we shared stance.

Cupid freezing neath the bushes aims.

Frost dissolves in my cappuccino breathe.

I lean to cover her neck in silken rapture

of woven delights blocking hard winds.

Truth be told- this day would I never

have known would be the time of her

arrival. She is waiting under moonlit

skies and sees the same sky as I...

Two winters later, I still inhale

the same air at the same moment

as she. Our loves begotten tight

as a rope of unrivaled density…

The Purpose

What is less than three they ask?

It is a symbol, a sign. Above

the comma, beside the four.

And it means so much more.

It is an unparallel struggle

of two distinct shapes- one

sharp edges and piercing drive.

The other conserved and strong.

For once embraced they belong

in unison of love entwined and

admiration for the like of two

curious creatures of a love divine.

            Less than three- Mon Che-rie

Comments

[e]

Delete what you will; this poem will ALWAYS be about me.

[e]

I won't bother texting because it's pointless; you won't respond or it'll start another battle of words that's not only hurtful, but never ending. ... regardless, I've never been one to shy away from communicating my feelings so...

I need to be more careful what I pray for... I wanted you out of my life and now that it's done, it's never felt emptier...

... you have been on my mind almost every waking hour of ever day and even at night in my dreams. The most insignificant of things remind me of you; the Nike cap you gave me that I work out in, a can of tuna for lunch, concha soup for dinner, Anathema on my iPod, Horsey on my chest... and a video I recorded of you sleeping that I play to make me smile before I go to bed...

I'll never regret anything more than us not working out... I know I'll get over it... someday... hopefully.

[e]

It's 6:01am... I've been up for about 30min reading. It's around this time that I probably would've spent spooning you before I got ready for work. That last moment before I got up and had to leave you no matter how much I didn't want to. I'd tip toe around hoping not to wake you often dressing in my closet, sans the radio, occasionally pecking the back of your neck.

I wish I could experience that one more time. I'd give anything to let you cuddle me (no matter how hot I get), to trace your face with my fingers like I used to, to smell your scent on my sheets... I'd even let get in bed with your smelly feet and dirty socks and stick my pillow in between your legs. ... ok, maybe not the smelly feet part, but I wouldn't care if you scratched me with your toe nails. ::slightly grinning:: ... sigh...

... I miss you. Always have. I pray for the day when I don't...

[e]

I sent you an email via my work address... I know you got it because you get every email... The network was down since last week and I was only able to retrieve it yesterday. You wrote it at 10:03am only after calling me at 10:01am, leaving a very nasty voicemail that my entire office heard because I have the habit of listening to them over speakerphone. My intern, director, supervisor... everyone. So, it was suggested that I cease all contact with you from my professional environment (which is only right) and that's why I sent that email... to cover my ass that I am not keeping in contact with you on work time, on work equipment. :/

I didn't want to sound so cold... but I know it came across that way especially since I doubt you've read any of my posts... in fact, I don't know if you'll ever read these. Could be years from now... who knows. But I'll keep this one way conversation going till I've said all I've felt and can express it no more...

"... and I'm so sad, like a good book I can't put this day back... a sorta fairytale with you..."

[e]

Every night, with the exception of two in particular, is bliss... top three hands down:

#3  An evening in Santa Fe.  A long awaited bubble bath and a bottle of wine away from all that is El Paso made for a night of giggles, shaving, and time away from home memorable...  something about hotel rooms that make it fun; like it's the first time all over again...  cramped in tub deciding where to put what in 20 minutes of warm water with your legs wrapped around mine was what I looked forward to the entire day we marched up and down that damn town.  A lesson in wearing wedges and shaving in a downward motion topped with a night of familiar closeness... what more could one ask for?  I know that it would never end...

#2  Rooftop wine... need I say more?  To the left was downtown.  To the right was the desert east. And in front sat our grand mountain...  The breeze was light and refreshing, but I easily welcomed warm arms and a blanket to cover and cradle me.  The zooming of cars on the freeway and a train passing played in the distance.  I awoke at dawn, walked to the edge and stood in amazement as the rising sun peeked through the clouds that covered us that night.  It fought forth with colors of hot pinks, peaches, and oranges that faded into the lavenders, deep purples, and midnight blues that were being washed away with each passing moment.  I turned back and stared at you still asleep, as always is the case and I quickly crawled underneath and counted the remaining minutes we had left of our night under the stars in my sleep...

#1  Christmas Eve.  When most are asleep, when many have ended their holiday, ours had just begun.  The same question always comes up, "What were you thinking?"...and the same answer is always there to retort, "I wasn't… I was feeling..."  French vanilla in the air and a new scarf around my neck, nervousness was not in my vocabulary that night.  Although the lights were off, it was Christmas magic at its best in the serenity of the buildings that surrounded us... a bottle of wine and Bjork made for great conversation that eventually ended in peaceful slumber... The gift of music stood for the gift of a future... a future I'm living today... a future I hope will grow...

You see, because I asked you to delete it... didn't mean it was gone forever. I didn't want my words to be for all to see; my stupid dreams from a stupid girl... but here they are again. I guess because I don't think anyone, possibly not even you, will see them, at least not for a very long time... my words on this page are tucked away. They'll get dusty like an old photograph in a trunk left in an attic only to be visited by accident.

... less than three ...

[e]

I've been listening to this song by, of all people, Pink... it's called "Please Don't Leave Me". I never knew that I would connect to so many of her songs... "Sober" and "Glitter in the Air" (which I've shared with you before) are the other two... but this one... this one is ME... to you:

Da da da da, da da da da
Da da da, da da
Da da da, da da

I don't know if I can yell any louder
How many time I've kicked you outta here?
Or said something insulting?
Da da da, da da

I can be so mean when I wanna be
I am capable of really anything
I can cut you into pieces
But my heart is broken
Da da da, da da

Please don't leave me
Please don't leave me
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this
Please, don't leave me

How did I become so obnoxious?
What is it with you that makes me act like this?
I've never been this nasty
Da da da, da da

Can't you tell that this is all just a contest?
The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest
But baby I don't mean it
I mean it, I promise
Da da da, da da

Please don't leave me
Oh please don't leave me
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this
Please, don't leave me

I forgot to say out loud how beautiful you really are to me
I cannot be without, you're my perfect little punching bag
And I need you, I'm sorry
Da da da, da da

Da da da da, da da da da
Da da da, da da
Please, please don't leave me
(Da da da, da da)

Baby please don't leave me
(Da da da, da da)
No, don't leave me
Please don't leave me no no no

You say I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back
It's gonna come right back to this
Please, don't leave me

Please don't leave me, oh no no no.
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this

Please don't leave me
Baby, please, please don't leave me

[e]

Happy Father's Day, Louie... :'(

[e]

It's getting easier to not write on this wall... I guess the lack of response helps. I still think of you... I still recommend you... I tell them not to say who sent them; doesn't really matter anymore any way. I hope you are doing well; from what I hear you are. I don't ask, they just say it as if they can read my expressions or mannerisms. Cars 2 opens tomorrow... wish I could've seen it with you...

... enjoy it.

[e]

I was on my way downtown to work today and I saw this car that had a huge Eagle's decal on it. And of course, I thought of you... like I do whenever I see an eagle, a rose, a sword... All that "romantic" stuff. I want so desperately to communicate with you, but I know it's for the best that I don't. I think this is the way to go about it. No texting war, and quite frankly, no demands for apologies, from either of us. I'm gonna go buy groceries today to make jambalaya... I"ll be thinking of you then too...

[e]

I've met someone. I've actually been seeing him for some time just never bothered to take "us" seriously because you were still in my life. With you gone, I'm finally able to see the patient, sweet prize that was in front of me this entire time. I'm thinking this will be my last entry because I don't think it's right to continue this "word vomit" of mine. I couldn't stop thinking of you because I didn't let myself. But it's funny, once I allowed myself to move on, I did. And quite easily. I'll always remember you. But I'm ready to say goodbye and hello to a new life with someone who at this point, I can't stop thinking about and smiling every time I get a text, call, or visit from. Best of luck to you and all your endeavours. Remember, we all muust endure hell to enjoy a piece of heaven... hope you find yours of you haven't already.

</3 ... :)

[e]

Why do you do this to me? Just when I think I have no feelings left for you, bad or good, I get some "sign" that you're still in my life. I just got to work and read your emails. My stomach was in my throat as I saw 3 emails from you and my hands are still shaking as I type this. I wanted yesterday to be a FINAL "goodbye". I had convinced myself that we, meaning friendship/professional us, were over. I had convinced myself that I found someone to invest time and emotion with to move on, to get over you...

...obviously, I was wrong. Or I wouldn't be feeling this way right now. I wouldn't be feeling the need to write to you. Again.

I don't know what message you're trying to bring up from your gmail account. And as far as my personal email... well, that's disappointing, but I won't dwell on it. But just know that we were together for such a long time that I memorized everything including numbers and emails of yours, but you can't recall mine. S'ok. I know and have always known how much I meant.

I'm glad your experience with Tony was a good one. Like I've said in my previous post, I will always recommend you. I'm in the process of working with other photogs, but mainly wedding gigs. Nothing "creative" like we once tried to work out. I need to save as much money as possible, not only for "survival", but to leave El Paso... I told Valerie to call you and recommend Susie; I have done this with countless others, folks that are getting married and anyone else I can tell about your services. I rent out the Museum for such occasions and I always throw in your name... it's just my way of trying to pay you back for all the damage you claim I have done with stupid words on a stupid post... although, this last one was more personal than anything.

It was on MY page and were MY drunk feelings. Why did I do it? I don't know. Angst, anger, resentment, ... all feelings I have had for your sister. I won't apologize. First of all, it would be hypocritical of me, and secondly, I still stand by it. Do I regret it? Yes, it completely annihilated what was left of us. And there is no turning back. It cost me everything I had worked for while with you. Respect from your family and you... gone. But I made my bed and now I must lie in it. I have no problem accepting responsibility for my actions. I will regret, but I will own up to the consequences. I have told this to my closest friends and they agree it was "harsh" (I'm assuming they wanna say 'dick' of me but won't because they're trying to be nice), but they also see where I have those feelings. I'm slightly justified in my feelings towards your sister, but I should've known when and where to vent them. Facebook was not the place. I suppose because I've always wanted to be heard by you, but you shut me out and ALWAYS defend her even when I know that you know she is wrong. Your brother was able to defend Linda... I just wanted the same, but you're blind to all she does.

I could gone on, but I won't. Again... pointless... like our texts, like our calls, like our emails...

I know you're a sensitive soul, Louie... I know some things leave you feeling "destroyed", but I don't think this is one of them. You've been out and about, with old friends I "never allowed you to see", communicating with your old clique, etc. I know this. You seem to forget I do know a lot of people here; and whether I like them or not, I still know people you know. So when you say "destroyed", I'd say like most of your choice of words, it's an exaggeration. Destroyed is losing 20lbs in 2 weeks because you refuse to eat, crying yourself to sleep, and sleeping every moment you're not forced to work... Destroyed is wanted to commit suicide and telling friends what your note entailed and where they could find it... that was me. That was Erica. Ask anyone close to me like Jacob and Robert. I was in a dark place after "that incident" and everyone knew it. It was the deepest hole I had to climb out of.

Even though I had someone wonderful in front of me trying to make cheer me up, make me happy, I lived in that hole. That was "destroyed". But I managed to snap out of it and force myself to see the person in front of me. I managed to convince myself (and just yesterday at that) that he was for me. ... and now this happens...

You may have no other intentions but to seek answers from me at this point. But just hearing from you again sends my emotions into a whirlwind of confusion... again, I thought I knew what my heart was telling me 24 hours ago... and now I have to question it again... I don't even know if I answered you. I honestly doubt that any answer I give you won't suffice. Much like when I questioned you why did you befriend "her" again, you couldn't say... well I'm the same way, too I suppose.

If anything, I'm sorry about one thing and will be for the rest of my life: I'm sorry we didn't work out, I'm sorry every time I said something mean and hurt you, I'm sorry for losing you... I'm sorry.

You'll never forget me? ... I will most certainly never forget you... how could I? You're "my only love sprung from my only hate" - Shakespeare

[e]

As confused as I was yesterday... I know I made the right decision. I know I am now getting what I've always wanted in a partner; someone to call me first thing in the morning and last thing at night... someone who knows my drink and has it ready for me when I get home while he cooks dinner... someone who opens the car door, stands up when I use the restroom, doesn't stare at another soul in the room, but me... someone who begs me to stay when I must leave and hold me tight when I can stay... someone who without asking takes out the trash, picks up the plates, and rubs my feet... someone who texts me that he's counting down the minutes till he sees me again... someone who gets excited talking about raising a family...

... that's all I ever wanted... to be worshipped. Not to sit on the sidelines waiting for my turn...

You're sweet and kind... you are thoughtful when you remember to be. ;) With a little reminder here and there, you're VERY thoughtful. You're set on your path and God bless you for that. I pray your studio and art is a success, your dreams and goals are achieved, but more importantly, you find someone who respects you and loves you along the way. I wish you a strong (because I never was strong enough) and beautiful companion for you and your family to welcome into your lives. May she stand by you when others criticize you, recommend you wholeheartedly, and love you unconditionally... you deserve it all.

It isn't easy for me to say all this... I'm crying as I type... but I know it's for the best. You will always be the love of my life... that I have to say goodbye to. This is my "Remains of the Day"... less than three always, Louie.

[e]

I hope you are enjoying this holiday weekend and watching the fireworks with someone who gets just as excited as I did... and still do.

[e]

3:21am- really wish I had sent you a Happy Birthday ... didn't know you would even notice if I did or didn't. You always seemed bored or trapped with me; I just thought you be partying it up with your friends for the first time in years, why would a birthday wish from me matter? Well, I didn't forget. I was working my second job all day. Figured I'd just concentrate on that. I deleted the comments and posts... promise kept.

Happy belated... for what it's worth.

[me]

I don't like this at all... I think about you all the time. Hoping your well, hoping your happy... It hurts so much.